Depression ~Part 1~

Assalamulaikum dan salam sejahtera rakan-rakan blogger sekalian.

Salam perkenalan saya ucapkan kepada semua yang sudi membaca kisah si Little Star ini. Terima kasih kerana sudi meluangkan masa emas anda di sini. Baiklah, entahlah kenapa lately saya rasa agak tertekan sikit sebab tak tahu hala tuju lepas SPM. Haishh. Tetiba pula teringat kisah tahun lepas yang telah banyak mengubah hidup saya. Macam biasa English ya, anak-anak. Please ignore all the grammar mistakes that I made. Thank you. Keep on reading.


Topik: Depression Could Change Your Life ~Part 1~

I was a good kid and very known as the smart girl since I was in kindergarten. Although I never assumed myself as a smart kid, people said I couldn't get away from reality. It's true that I always among Top 3 in my class since I was five years old until I was in Form 3. But, there's time when things didn't go well when I got number 5 for number of times and 7 and 8 for once. I realised that numbers freak me out when I was young. I wasn't a bad student and that's fortunate.

Oh well, I didn't want to brag anymore cause those were all in the past. The present is what important now.  

Here we go. The day when the PT3 result was out, I was quite happy with my result and decided to give a shot on applying to a boarding school as my teacher encourage me to try and fill in the online form. I didn't quite remember which schools I apply for but my first option is SM Sains Seri Puteri, Kuala Lumpur cause it's the nearest to my house among other girls' schools. After submitting the online form, I decided to find some information about the schools.

In late January or early February, some of my friends application were accepted and they were all happy about it. At the moment, I forgot that I also applied for it and rushed to check the result online as soon as I got back home. Not so surprising, I also made it! I received an offer to attend SM Sains Seri Puteri in KL. I could tell that my chance on getting to a boarding school was high because of my PT3 result.

The first person I told about this good news was my elder sister through FB(?) I guess since she stayed at my grandma's house because of my family problem(not so serious actually). It's for her own good since she was in her SPM year at that time. So, her reaction was good. She was proud of me and told me to tell our parents. I was not ready at the time that I didn't tell my parents.

Then, I told my mom when she got back from work. She said the decision was on my hand. She didn't mind if I decided not to attend boarding school. I did tell her that I didn't want to go cause I was not ready. However, my father asked me to go since that opportunity only came once. He wanted at least on of his children attend boarding school. As the second child, I felt responsible and wanted to use that opportunity to become a better person. In the end, I subconsciously agreed to go.

As the day to leave my house was approaching, I became restless. I didn't know if I made the right decision. I wanted to please my father and became an exemplary sister to my siblings but half of me wanted to stay home. To be honest, I was afraid with people and new environment plus how to adapt in new place without my family. Since I'm the quiet type, I think it's gonna be hard. Until now, I didn't even know how to make friends although I've been attending quite number of schools.

The day finally came. I was fine until I arrived at the school. The first impression of the school was nice. The scenery. I mean won't you love it if Petronas Twin Tower is right in front of you maybe a little bit far but it's close enough. I was very anticipating the night view of KL. Woahhh! Listen here and don't get me wrong, I was born in KL but my family moved to Kuantan when I was 5(then, we moved to a city in Kuantan when I was 9). Next, we moved again to Kajang when I was 14 and when I was 17 until now we're living in Shah Alam. What a nomad life, right? I tell you that it's not fun! I did visited KL sometimes with my family but it was different that time.

Let's get back to the story. I registered myself with my parents and unpacked my stuff. I met a new friend there. Guess what? She was in the same class as me. Yehet! Found my buddy. The first week there was good cause the first semester holiday was coming. I was excited to go home. I missed my bed a lot! I already bonded well with my roommates who's my age but not with the seniors since they're rather intimidating. I need some times to become close with them.

After the first semester break, one of my roommates didn't come back. I was sad because she's also a Kpop fan like I do and she still didn't tell me who's her bias in EXO! Hahaha. I lost contact with her since. One day, I saw one of my senior crying. She was having homesick :'( A few days after that, one of my roommates cried. At that moment, I couldn't think of anything. I wanted to cry too but the thing was I couldn't cry around strangers. Yup! They're still strangers to me although we've bonded. I felt trapped and useless.

I should say that maybe that was when depression hits me without notice.


[TO BE CONTINUED]

From wikipedia: search 'Depression'

Mental health

• Depression (mood), a state of low mood and aversion to activity
• Major depressive disorder and dysthymia, mood disorders that feature depressed moods are commonly referred to as simply depression

  

  

[PT3 2014] A Day to Remember

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera rakan-rakan blogger sekalian,

Salam perkenalan saya ucapkan kepada semua yang sudi membaca dan terima kasih kerana sudi meluangkan masa emas anda di sini. Kali ini, saya bercadang untuk berkongsi satu kenangan yang agak manis yang telah berlaku dalam hidup saya.

Topik: A Day to Remember

Pentaksiran Tingkatan 3 mula diperkenalkan pada tahun 2014. Saya dan rakan-rakan '99 yang lain amat bertuah(?) kerana dapat menduduki peperiksaan ini pada tahun itu. Sejak tingkatan satu, kami dikehendaki membuat tugasan PBS dan kami diberitahu bahawa kami tidak akan menduduki peperiksaan penting pada tingkatan 3. Oleh itu, memang wajar kami semua terkejut setelah mendapat berita bahawa kami perlu menduduki PBSMR yang akhirnya menjadi PT3. Saya menganggap semua itu adalah ujian daripada Allah swt yang menjdikan diri saya lebih kuat dari segi mental dan juga fizikal.

Sebenarnya, bukan itu yang mahu saya kongsikan pada kali ini. Saya ingin menceritakan pengalaman saya semasa mengambil keputusan PT3 pada tahun 2014. Oh ya, kepada sesiapa yang bakal menduduki PT3, saya mengucapkan Selamat Maju Jaya!


ISNIN, 22/12/2014

     Tibanya aku dan mak di SMK Taman Jasmin 2, Kajang Prima pada awal pagi. Pada awalnya, kami ke pejabat sekolah untuk menguruskan perpindahan kakak ke sekolah lain kerana hal keluarga. Aku berasa  sangat gementar pada waktu itu lagi-lagi sewaktu terlihat guru Bahasa Melayu aku di dalam pejabat. Selepas beberapa minit, aku dan mak turun ke foyer. Pada waktu itu, majlis belum lagi dimulakan. Oleh itu, kami bercadang untuk menunggu. Kemudian, muncul tiga orang rakanku lalu gambar kami berempat diambil oleh mak. Salah seorang daripda mereka mengajak aku turun ke dataran dan kami semua duduk bersama sambil menanti penantian yang penuh dengan debaran.

     Setelah beberapa minit berlalu, seorang guru kauseling atau pengacara majlis yang menjalankan tanggungjwabnya pada waktu itu memberikan arahan kepada seluruh pelajar tingkatan 3, 2014 supaya berbaris mengikut kelas masing-masing. Disebabkan semua pelajar terlalu teruja bertemu rakan-rakan atau tidak sabar untuk mengetahui keputusan masing-masing, arahan guru tadi tidak dipatuhi. Namun, setelah beberapa kali arahan diberikan, para pelajar akhirnya berbaris. Masih terdapat suara sumbang yang menggangu majlis rasmi itu.

     Majlis kini dimulakan dengan ucapan pendahuluan dan doa serta diikuti dengan ucapan daripada Puan pengetua. Beliau memperkenalkan kepada kami GPK Pentadbiran yang baru lalu memberitahu bahawa tiada seorang pun pelajar yang mendapat semua ‘A’ dalam PT3. Beliau berasa kecewa tetapi faham kerana peperiksaan PT3 ini masih baru dan murid-murid masih tidak faham apa yang harus mereka jawab dalam kertas peperiksaan. Setelah aku mendengar perkara itu, hatiku berasa sebak. Aku tidak dapat mengharumkan nama sekolah. Selaku pelajar harapan sekolah, aku berasa sedih kerana telah menghancurkan harapan guru-guru yang banyak berjasa kepadaku. 

     Aku mula mengipas-ngipaskan diri supaya tidak mengalirkan air mata. Sejujurnya, aku amat dikenali sebagai seorang yang tidak mempunyai perasaan tetapi sikapku berubah pada tahun itu. Aku selalu menangis walaupun kerana hal kecil. Mungkin kerana aku berasa tertekan. Selepas itu, Puan pengetua meneruskan lagi dan berkata terdapat seorang pelajar sahaja yang mendapat 9A 1C dan 2 orang mendapat 8A. Pada waktu itu, hatiku terdetik lalu mataku berair. Aku betul-betul berharap bahawa akulah orang yang dimaksudkan oleh beliau. Aku bertambah sedih kerana 1C yang disebutkan. Aku teringat sebelum sekolah diumumkan cuti, semua pelajar Tingkatan 3 sudah mengetahui markah BM(bertulis), BI(bertulis), MT, KHB, SEJ, SN dan aku sudah tahu bahawa aku mendapat A bagi semua subjek berikut kecuali SN kerana aku hanya memperoleh 60 markah setelah dipilih secara rawak dan ditanda serta ditolakkan 10 markah oleh pihak atasan. Ucapan diteruskan lagi oleh beliau namun ucapan itu diibaratkan masuk telinga kiri dan keluar telinga kanan aku kerana aku hanya memikirkan keputusan PT3.

     Terdapat meja-meja yang dilebelkan mengikut kelas masing-masing tersusun di foyer dan semua guru kelas sudah duduk mengikut label kelas masing-masing. Aku mencari gerangan guru kelasku, Puan Zurina namun tidak pula kelihatan malah guru lain yang duduk di meja yang berlebel nama kelasku, 3 Ibnu Khaldun. Guru tersebut mula membelek-belek kertas di tangannya dan aku amat yakin itu ialah keputusan PT3 kelasku. Mataku tidak lepas daripada guru itu. Ketika dia sedang membelek-belek keputusan di tangannya, aku melihat beliau berhenti dan asyik memerhatikan satu kertas lalu dia menunjukkannya kepada guru di sebelahnya. Aku yang sedang duduk di dataran mula berpeluh sejuk dengan reaksi guru itu. Hatiku kuat merasakan bahawa guru itu sedang melihat kertas yang mempunyai keputusan terbaik. Guru tadi mula bangun daripada tempat duduknya untuk mendapatkan guru Sains aku dan kelihatan rancak perbualan antara mereka. Guru Sainsku mula memandang ke arahku dan aku cepat mengalihkan pandangan itu.

     Ucapan dipendekkan dan seorang guru mula menyuruh pelajar bangun dan pergi ke meja kelas masing-masing. Aku yang berada di kelas kedua mula bangun setelah pelajar kelas pertama sudah menuju ke meja kelas mereka. Seorang rakanku menyuruh aku ke hadapan untuk mengambil keputusan dahulu tetapi aku menolaknya. Realitinya, aku belum bersedia dan tidak yakin. Debaran mula menjadi lebih tinggi dan air mataku mula mengalir walaupun berkali-kali aku cuba menahannya. Mak mula mendapatkan aku dan mengatakan bahawa dia tidak kisah akan keputusan aku. Air mataku yang mengalir tadi mula dilapkan menggunakan lengan bajuku. 

     Barisan kelasku makin lama menjadi makin sedikit dan kini telah tiba giliranku. Mak aku sudah berada di belakang guru di hadapanku untuk mengambil gambar. Setelah menarik nafas yang panjang, Guru Sains aku mengucapkan tahniah kepadaku dan mengatakan bahawa aku merupakan pelajar terbaik pada tahun itu. Aku berasa terkejut dan tidak tahu apa reaksi yang harus aku bagi. Namun setelah diarahkan untuk menanda tangan, aku berbuat demikian dan mula bersalaman dengan dua orang guru yang berada di hadapanku. Air mataku mengalir semula dan aku segera beredar dari situ untuk mendapatkan mak. Dia juga menangis bersamaku setelah aku menunjukkan keputusan aku lalu menghubungi abah yang tidak dapat hadir walaupun sudah aku ingatkan berkali-kali. Keluargaku yang lain juga diberitahu mengenai berita gembira ini. 

Aku yang masih lagi terkejut, hanya menangis dan tiada kata-kata yang dapat keluar daripada mulutku. Mak menyuruhku bercakap dengan abah di telefon tetapi aku tidak dapat berkata apa-apa kerana aku masih dalam tangisan lalu aku mengembalikan telefon kepada mak semula. Kemudian, rakan-rakanku mula menghampiriku lalu aku tunjukkan slip keputusanku seperti yang diarahkan. Mereka mengucapkan tahniah namun aku hanya mengalirkan air mata yang tiada tanda untuk berhenti. Selepas itu, seorang lagi rakanku menghampiriku dan mula memelukku serta mengucapkan tahniah kepadaku. Setelah majlis tamat, aku berjumpa dengan semua guru yang telah mengajarku lalu bersalaman dan mengucapkan terima kasih kepada mereka. Seorang guru menyuruh aku menyemak semua kertas Sains kerana aku mendapat A semasa percubaan tetapi aku memilih untuk menerima keputusan sedia ada kerana aku percaya pasti ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang berlaku.

Konklusinya, aku tidak pasti jika aku gembira atau sedih dengan keputusan yang diperoleh. Aku gembira kerana aku dapat menaikkan nama 3 Ibnu Khaldun yang sentiasa dipandang serong oleh segelintir pihak. Aku juga gembira kerana mendapat A dalam lisan BM dan BI walaupun aku bukanlah seorang yang suka bercakap. Aku sedih kerana guru Sains berada di hadapanku sewaktu aku mengambil keputusan disebabkan aku tidak dapat memberikannya 'A' sedangkan aku dapat memberikannya kepada guru-guru subjek lain. Aku juga sedih kerana abah tidak dapat hadir pada hari itu untuk berkongsi saat manis bersamaku dan mak.

[TAMAT]

How Did I Get Into KPOP?

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera rakan-rakan blogger sekalian,

Salam perkenalan saya ucapkan kepada semua yang sudi membaca dan terima kasih kerana sudi meluangkan masa emas anda di sini. 

Actually, I do prefer writing in English because writing in Malay will take lots of time as I love to write long 'karangan'. English is my 2nd language and don't expect me to make zero grammatical error here.


Topic: How Did I Get Into KPOP?

Somewhere in 2010, my aunt asked my sister and I to watch a Korean drama with the title 'Boys Over Flower'. I'm pretty sure most of you or all of you know this drama as it was one of the must watch drama if you're a K-dramas' fan. At first, I think it was weird for me to watch drama that I didn't understand the language because I'll not understand to whole story. But, that's not the case here. After watching the first episode, I couldn't stop myself from watching the next episodes. From what I could remember, I watched four to five                                                         episodes on that day.

From the drama, I had my first K-drama bias which was Kim Beom. Although his character in the drama made me mad most of the time, I thought that he had a charming voice and good visual. My sister's bias was Kim Hyunjoong which made her a SS501's fan that time. Besides, I think the drama is interesting to watch even until recent. If we're to exclude the handsome guys, the whole story itself is good. If you haven't watch it, please watch! So, the K-drama made me knew about South Korea and KPOP. As you can tell, SS501 is the first KPOP group that I know.

Which group was my favourite that time?


It's 2PM and Nichkhun was my bae! The fact that they made me a Kpopper is true! Without them, I don't think I'll have interest in KPOP. Maybe(?). I should thank my aunt for asking me to listen to 'Heartbeat' and made me a 'hottest'. In late 2011, after I sat for UPSR, I watched a TV program called, KPOP Hitz. Since I love KPOP songs, I decided to watch it and I found my other half. His voice made me loved the whole song. It was ZE;A and the guy I fell for was Kim Dongjun. I thought he looks like an actor from an Indonesian drama that I loved to watch and I gained interest to know more about him and the group.



Then, in June 2013, I heard a roar from a cute blonde boy. I remembered it clearly. I was watching Music Bank like always and there's a group making a comeback. At first, I thought that the song was weird and criticized a guy with a long braided hair. I knew that guy. I remembered him when he's performing a song with other members. I enjoyed the song 'MAMA' but I don't have a full interest towards them like 2PM and ZE:A. From here you can tell that the group I described is EXO which is my ultimate bias group until now and hope it will be forever. Back to the story, the uptempo song suddenly soften and they kept on singing to their part.

Suddenly,
'Neol meotgeunkesseo keunillasseo, Yeahh~ Yeah!'

I was shocked. His voice was awesome. At the very moment, I became a fan of EXO. I became a fan of Baekhyun. The voice I want to hear singing into my ear. The voice that I want my life to be filled with. It has been three years since I became a fan of EXO. I've been there through a lot with them. Fortunately, I'm able to stay loyal although that's not the case with 2PM and ZE;A. It's okay. I still support them since I love KPOP. However, I am proud to say that I'm an EXO-L.

There's something I need to tell here. I was an A.R.M.Y too. It stopped when BTS changed their music style. I was kinda disappointed but there was nothing I could do. I was a fan since 'No More Dream' era but stopped when they started 'HYYH'. I really like how they talked about school and dream and life in general in their song. The rap lyrics written by them made me love hip hop. I respected them a lot. When I was stressed about grade all the time, their songs sooth my heart and mind. I don't think any A.R.M.Y have any rights to judge me because if you want to compare seniority as an A.R.M.Y, you couldn't compete with me. I have rights to support any group and not to support them. BTS and my ex-bias V, failed to flutter my heart now. I may sing to their songs but my thought of them are definitely different from before. I do like BTS but they're one of the lowest in my list now.

As conclusion, this is a short story of how did I get into KPOP. It's been six years since I started to know KPOP. I have more to write but I think I should stop here. I will write more about my ultimate bias group, EXO and my ultimate bias, Baekhyun in my upcoming post. By the time, you're reading this, I guess I already wrote many stories. I hope you will enjoy reading this. Thanks for spending your time to read this. I really appreciate it.
XOXO from me.